Monday, February 3, 2014

"The Facts of Life and Self-Confidence"

I know you don’t care, but here’s the story of how I ended up learning about the facts of life. I’ve been obsessed with everything Seinfeld since I was a little kid.  I was  probably 10 when I was watching an episode called “The Fusilli Jerry” In the episode, George is concerned about his… um.. sexual performance. One of the great things about Seinfeld is that whenever they deal with controversial topics, they never came out and directly said what they were talking about. Everything is implied. This is a great comedy technique because the audience has to do some of the work by filling in the blank. The audience not only laughs because it’s funny, but they laugh because they did some of the work filling in the blanks. It should be said that this works for adults but not for 10 year olds. Needless to say, I had no idea what  the characters were doing in bed.  I was and still am a weird kid. I remember being really troubled and sullen about it. Finally, after my parents asked me multiple times what was bothering me, I finally spilled the beans. If I ever meet Jerry Seinfeld, I’m going to tell him that he’s the reason I learned about the facts of life.

However, learning about “the birds and the bees” had an unintended side effect. I remember when my parents gave me “the talk” it blew my mind. Because I learned, that out of the thousands of sperm racing to the egg, I was the one that won! And I’d never won anything before.  Oddly enough, it still serves as a confidence boost. Whenever I’m faced with a challenge, I think, “If I could win that race, I can accomplish anything!” Sometimes I repeat it to myself as a personal mantra, “I’m the sperm that won! I’m the sperm that won!” However, may I recommend if you adopt this as your personal mantra, not to whisper it or say it out loud? Because if people catch you repeating that to yourself, you get some weird looks. Usually I’m filled with so much self-confidence that I don’t care if someone catches me.
Can you blame me for thinking this way? My dad still lets me know!

However, I went to Walmart the other day and it shattered my self-confidence. I looked around and thought, “These are the sperm that won? But how?” That’s when I figured that the sperm’s race to the egg is less of a swimming competition and more of a NASCAR event. This is  how I stay the most humble person in the world.

A winner.

Another winner.

Why you should name your baby Colgate.

I've renamed my blog, “I know you don’t care but I’m telling you anyway.” The biggest assumption people make when they write things online is that everyone else cares about what that person has to say and what they’re going through.  I think before social media became big, we probably actually did care what people said. If one of your friends had a baby it was a big deal! Now, it seems everyone is in a constant state of having babies for the pure purpose of taking pictures of them.  People used to have kids to help out on the farm. Now we have kids just so we can try that new Instagram filter.  Also, can we all stop pretending that your newborn baby is cute? I’m not saying it’s the babies’ fault. They just got squeezed out of a person.  They're supposed to look like the last bit of toothpaste you have to surgically extract from the tube. 

"You're baby is adorable!"

It's way too easy to communicate whatever stupid thought you have online. It used to be that you had to have a really important idea for it to be communicated with a lot of people. If it were as easy to communicate now as in revolutionary times, instead of the Declaration of Independence, King George would’ve just gotten a picture of America’s lunch. Either that or the Declaration of Independence would’ve just been us asking the British, “If we get a million likes can we be independent?” We probably would’ve just changed our relationship status from “it’s complicated” to “independent.” And France would’ve been that friend that thinks they need to console us, “I’m glad you guys broke up! England was a jerk! You go girl! I’m sending you a statue.” (This joke is only partially historically accurate)

The Declaration of Independence really was us breaking up with England. It really is an amazing document. I wonder if Thomas Jefferson ever broke up with a girl the same way he broke up with England. 

“When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for a man to dissolve the romantic bands which have connected him with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them…

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of other people.---That whenever any girlfriend becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Boyfriend to alter or to abolish the relationship, and to institute new relationship with Tiffany.”

He was either really great at break ups or really terrible.  Could you imagine breaking up with a girl by writing a letter and having 55 of your other friends sign it?

I get a lot of ads for singles sites. It's probably because I’m on Facebook so much that Facebook is starting to get concerned about me. Facebook is starting to sound like my parents. “We feel that it's time you met someone. It's time to get out of the house." I’m worried one day I’m going to get a Facebook notification saying, “Listen, we think it’s time you moved out and got your own place.”  Then I’d have to pack up all my things and get a MySpace page. Which isn’t unlike moving  to a new place, no one knows where you live and no one visits you. Just like my blog. It’s ok I know no one cares.