Friday, May 31, 2013

Spell Wars and Star Check

My good friend +Ryan Kirtley used to work at the same branch of the bank as I did. We spent our days, seemingly working, but in actuality, we would spend a great deal of time swapping  articles and talking about how terrible the Star Wars prequels are. Seriously, I think I hate Hayden Christensen more +Hitler hated everyone. (Apparently Hitler hasn't joined Google+)

Unfortunately, in an act of severe betrayal +Ryan Kirtley moved to a different branch of the bank. (Something about improving his career opportunities or some such nonsense. Am I right?) But what really suffered were our contributions an analyses of the science fiction genre. Fortunately, we still interact with one another via email. Furthermore, our use of Microsoft Outlook led to a great discovery for the world of science fiction.

So, because the new Star Trek movie came out recently, naturally our email conversation turned into a discussion of the new Star Trek movie. I was perplexed by something in the plot when +Ryan Kirtley responded to me and made a monumental discovery. And I quote,

"From: Kirtley, Ryan 
Sent: Tuesday, May 28, 2013 3:18 PM
To: Velluto, Alex
Subject: RE: HA

And if you remember… Starfleet wanted to start a war with the Klingons. (side note outlook knows Starfleet and Klingons are words) NERDS AT MICROSOFT!!!!

So, naturally, I typed some Star Wars (Notice to the untrained observer: Star Wars is different than Star Trek) words into Outlook and lo and behold that infamous red squiggly line appeared beneath all of the Star Wars words but not under the Star Trek words! SPELLCHECKED! 

As a side note to the untrained observer, since a long time ago in a galaxy far far away in a place where no man has gone before, there has been a feud between "Trekkies" and Star Wars fans. (There has also been a feud between Microsoft and Apple, and more recently Google.) So, it appears, that the overlord Bill Gates has declared a winner in this feud. And that Microsoft favors Star Trek to Star Wars. Now, while the Venn Diagram of Star Trek and Star Wars enthusiasts who like Microsoft don't constitute a majority of the nerd community, it still represents (I would suppose) the vast majority of them. So, I declare to these people, the war between the "Star" franchises officially concluded. 

I now present the evidence:

You will notice, the future director of Star Wars Episode VII, J.J. Abrams is the only word on the Star Wars side not spell checked. This is probably only due to the fact that he was also the director of the most recent Star Trek reboot. I guess that debate rages on.

As for me, I'm an Apple fan so nothing has been decided yet.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Blues and conversations

I was listening to the radio, and they played this blues song called, “The Blues Can’t Even Find Me.” So, essentially, this blues singer was sad about not being able to get depressed. Mission accomplished! You did it! The next track on his album should be called “Never mind”

His life must just be a crazy emotional roller coaster.

“I’m pretty bummed out that I can’t depressed”

“Wait! I’m depressed! Hooray! Now I can write a blues song!”

“Oh wait! Now I’m happy! Crap! I can’t even get depressed right!”

“Oh, now I’m depressed again! Yes!”

At least this guy had some sort of emotional response to things. Recently, I’ve discovered that my general lack of emotion makes me terrible at conversations. Sometimes, people say things to me, and I have no idea what they expect me to say. 

I got my car inspected the other day and the people at Jiffy Lube found some rock chips in my windshield and fixed them. Apparently, there’s a lot of fraud in the windshield repair industry so in order to bill my car insurance, they have to get you on a call with your carrier so you can explain that you’re actually getting your windshield fixed. 

So, I get on the phone with the insurance lady and she says,

“We’re sorry to hear about your glass damage. “


I realize….she’s waiting for a response from me.

What am I supposed to say? “Yeah I’m pretty torn up about it.”

Maybe if a family member had died I might be able to provide you with a more emotional response.  Like if a some debris went through the windshield and impaled my dad I could maybe say something back. But if that were the case, I’d probably be a little upset you said, “I’m really sorry to hear about your windshield damage.” Rather than something… you know… about my dad.

Anyway, I didn’t know what to say, so I just filled the pause by describing the process of how windshields get chips in them.

“Yeah, I was driving on the highway and rocks got in my windshield. And you know how rocks leave chips in your windshield when they hit your windshield? Yeah, that’s what happened to me. But you know how that works right?”

I work as a teller, and this lady comes up to me and says,

 “Hi, my name is Helen”


“I’m from Wyoming”


“I’m in farming.”


“I make hay in the summer.  That’s why I’m here”


“It gets 16 below in the winter”

 It was the most random conversation I’d ever had.  I’m just getting barraged by non sequiturs   to the point that I don’t know how I’m supposed to respond. When I’m just about to make a comment, she changes topics on me!  “I make hay!” “It gets to 16 below!”  

But, once I thought about it, apparently I’m so bad at conversation that she just went on and filled in my part of the conversation for me. This is kind of scary because I don’t know what I’m saying.  But once I thought it through I figured out that she thought that I was a super inquisitive person; almost to the point of being obnoxious.  I was asking all sorts of random questions. My end of the conversation was