Barberphobia: An irrational fear of haircuts and Barbarians.

I got a haircut today. (In case you care) I realized that I have an irrational fear of barbershops. I looked on the internet to see what the name for the fear of barbershops is. It turns out that there's actually no such thing as a fear of barbershops, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have it. The closest I found was Chaetophobia, which is the fear of hair, and I don’t think I have that. I would coin the phrase “Barberphobia” but the word barber, is derived from the Latin word for beard and the Romans, who originally spoke Latin and were a clean shaven people came up with the word for beard from the word “Barbarian” which means “bearded people.” Ironically, they chose to name them "bearded people" instead of "people who ruined our country by pillaging our cities." They obviously thought the beard was the most prominent trait. So, “barberphobia” would mean the fear of barbarians, and that wouldn’t make sense because I’m pretty sure everybody would be scared of Barbarians. Especially Italian people like me whose DNA is telling them that Barbarians aren’t to be trusted because they toppled the Roman Empire. However, despite the historical inaccuracies of the phrase, let's say "barbarphobia" means fear of barbers.

It's the beards that makes them scary.

My fear of barbershops is probably closest to Aphenphosmphobia, which is another word I looked up on the internet that means the fear of physical contact. And barbers are always touching your head. Then they expect you to talk to them while they touch your head. I find it hard to speak to people when they’re touching my head because I barely touch my own head. I wash my hair in the morning and sometimes I rub my head when I’m thinking and that’s it. And I realize that it must be awkward to touch strangers’ heads all day so this is why they're trying to get to know me. It probably makes them feel better about touching someone's head when they feel they know the person a little. But it still doesn’t help me out because I don’t usually engage in casual conversation while strangers are touching my head.

However, I think the barbershop conversation is very important. Because the barber can make you look like any person he wants you to be. So I think that the barber is trying to see what kind of person you are and then then they give you the haircut to match personality. If you seem depressed, he's going to give you that "Emo" haircut with the stupid bangs over your eyes. Or if you accidentally say something racist, he'll make you a skinhead! This was an actual thought that was in my brain! This is probably where my fear of barbers ultimately comes from. I actually believe that the kind of haircut I receive is based on the barber's perception of what my personality is. I actually found myself thinking, "Don't bring up how much you like Apple because if he likes Windows he'll make you look like Bill Gates out of spite."

So when you see me with my new haircut and I look like a socially awkward neurotic person with barberphobia you'll know the reason why.

Pavlov, Brain Chess, and Oreos

Ivan Petrovich Pavlov was a famous Russian psychologist.  Pavlov is best known for his experiments with dogs. In these experiments, he would ring a bell every time he fed the dogs and he would measure their saliva. He found out after a while that the dogs would start salivating just when they heard the bell.

IT may seem farfetched that this could happen to humans, but it’s true, because it happens to me. Let me explain:

A lot of my friends are getting married right now, and whenever I get there wedding invitation I put it on my fridge. And I’ve noticed that whenever I see these friends outside my house I get really hungry. And you know that blank stare that you have when you look in the fridge because you’re deep in thought about the meaning of life and whether or not that casserole is still good? That’s the face that I get when I see my married friends. I look at them deeply and go, “How’s life? Do you have a burrito?”

And when you go to the reception the “food-marriage” connection is further reinforced in your mind; because over here are people getting married, and over here are some brownies.

“Ding”

"You will get married. Here's a cookie."

It’s gotten to the point where I don’t know if that empty feeling inside me is hunger or loneliness. And every time I eat a brownie, I realize how alone I am.

So, I started keeping the wedding invitations in my car. But this made matters worse because I would get road rage while waiting in the line at the reception. “MOVE IT ALONG! WHAT’S THE HOLD-UP?!?  THEY GOT MARRIED? WHO CARES? I’VE GOT AN APPOINTMENT I’VE GOT TO GET TO!”

I thought I could use this impulse for something good, and I started putting the wedding invitations on my treadmill. But every time I go to the weddings now I just throw dirty laundry on top of the groom.

So as you can imagine by what I just said, I don’t date that often. And I've learned how to do things by yourself. Have you ever played chess by yourself? Because I have. I’ll tell you what got me started playing chess by myself. At my high school there were tryouts for the chess team. So, there were people who would try out for the chess team and not make it. This meant that in the popularity rankings  of my high school, there were people lower than the chess team. The social ladder was all the other groups on top, then the chess team, then the people who didn’t make the chess team. I was one of those people. I didn’t even have people to play chess with.

Playing chess with yourself is weird because you have to decide who wins. So you have to split your personality into two different parts to play against themselves. And you choose different characteristics of yourself for the different colors. For example, white will be “my sensitive side and the part of me that has no self control” versus black which is “ the part of me that finds fault in others.” And I have to decide who I’m rooting for at all times. And I have to make justifications for making moves in the game, “He eats too many Oreos so you should take his Rook!” and the white part is going “ He knows I’m sensitive about the amount of Oreos I eat! What a jerk! Let’s take his Queen!”

And in a game of chess by yourself there is never a winner. All you end up doing is finding more and more faults with yourself, and eating way too many Oreos; because those are white and black at the same time.

Oreos slogan should be: "Milk's favorite metaphor"

Subway: Live fresh!

In honor of August, the month where Subway is offering the best sub on the menu, the buffalo chicken sub for $6, I’ve decided to tell you why Subway is the happiest place on earth.

I think that the way Subway is set up instills good attributes in you.

The subs at Subway are so good because if they’re not, it’s basically your own fault. You chose all your own toppings. If my sub isn’t good, I take accountability for it. “I shouldn’t have asked for the extra pickles. That’s on me.” Outside of Subway, nothing is my fault. If I cut someone off while I’m driving and they honk at me, that person is the idiot. But inside Subway, I am the captain of my sub, I am the master of my soul.

At Subway they have the Subway card. In case you aren’t familiar, you get one point for every dollar you spend. After 75 points you get a free foot long. Granted, that’s a ridiculous amount of money to spend for a free sub, but there’s a part of me that’s proud that I’m working towards a goal. And there’s a certain sense of accomplishment you feel when you cash in your $75 dollars worth of points for that foot long. You had an objective and you accomplished it!  Kudos to you! Even if it meant you had to down 15 meatball heroes to do it.

These are all character traits I can’t achieve outside of Subway, but when I’m in that building I’m awesome! For example, if you asked me to donate a kidney outside of Subway, I’d think you were crazy. But if you asked me while I was in a Subway, I would probably tell you yes. Because when you donate an organ I could be doing one thing, and a small part of me would be doing another thing. I would be multitasking all the time! And that’s another thing I’m terrible at outside of Subway.

Running

Running in jeans and walking in workout clothes kind of get the same reaction from people. If you ever see someone running in jeans you’re probably thinking, “This person clearly didn’t plan to workout. Obviously, he is getting chased right now, and he needs some help.” Walking in workout clothes is similar, but with a subtle difference, because people are thinking, “This person obviously planned on going for a run, but he clearly wasn’t prepared for the workout regimen that he planned for ahead of time. He needs some help.”

That’s why I think I’m going to start working out in jeans, because if I end up having to walk it will seem like I’m just a pedestrian. But if I’m running in the jeans it’s exciting! People think, “That man is being chased but he is clearly the superior runner because I don’t see his assailant anywhere. I’m impressed!”

It would really stink to actually get chased while you’re wearing workout clothes because no one would stop and think that you’re actually being chased. Actually, the perfect crime would be if the person chasing you was wearing workout clothes while you were also wearing workout clothes. Then people would think you’re just running partners. Until of course someone is lying on the ground throwing up after getting punched in the stomach. Which is what I usually do at the end of a run anyway.

Spell Wars and Star Check

My good friend +Ryan Kirtley used to work at the same branch of the bank as I did. We spent our days, seemingly working, but in actuality, we would spend a great deal of time swapping +Cracked.com  articles and talking about how terrible the Star Wars prequels are. Seriously, I think I hate Hayden Christensen more +Hitler hated everyone. (Apparently Hitler hasn't joined Google+)

Unfortunately, in an act of severe betrayal +Ryan Kirtley moved to a different branch of the bank. (Something about improving his career opportunities or some such nonsense. Am I right?) But what really suffered were our contributions an analyses of the science fiction genre. Fortunately, we still interact with one another via email. Furthermore, our use of Microsoft Outlook led to a great discovery for the world of science fiction.

So, because the new Star Trek movie came out recently, naturally our email conversation turned into a discussion of the new Star Trek movie. I was perplexed by something in the plot when +Ryan Kirtley responded to me and made a monumental discovery. And I quote,

"From: Kirtley, Ryan 

Sent: Tuesday, May 28, 2013 3:18 PM
To: Velluto, Alex
Subject: RE: HA

And if you remember… Starfleet wanted to start a war with the Klingons. (side note outlook knows Starfleet and Klingons are words) NERDS AT MICROSOFT!!!!

So, naturally, I typed some Star Wars (Notice to the untrained observer: Star Wars is different than Star Trek) words into Outlook and lo and behold that infamous red squiggly line appeared beneath all of the Star Wars words but not under the Star Trek words! SPELLCHECKED! 

As a side note to the untrained observer, since a long time ago in a galaxy far far away in a place where no man has gone before, there has been a feud between "Trekkies" and Star Wars fans. (There has also been a feud between Microsoft and Apple, and more recently Google.) So, it appears, that the overlord Bill Gates has declared a winner in this feud. And that Microsoft favors Star Trek to Star Wars. Now, while the Venn Diagram of Star Trek and Star Wars enthusiasts who like Microsoft don't constitute a majority of the nerd community, it still represents (I would suppose) the vast majority of them. So, I declare to these people, the war between the "Star" franchises officially concluded. 

I now present the evidence:

You will notice, the future director of Star Wars Episode VII, J.J. Abrams is the only word on the Star Wars side not spell checked. This is probably only due to the fact that he was also the director of the most recent Star Trek reboot. I guess that debate rages on.

As for me, I'm an Apple fan so nothing has been decided yet.

Blues and conversations

I was listening to the radio, and they played this blues song called, “The Blues Can’t Even Find Me.” So, essentially, this blues singer was sad about not being able to get depressed. Mission accomplished! You did it! The next track on his album should be called “Never mind”

His life must just be a crazy emotional roller coaster.

“I’m pretty bummed out that I can’t depressed”

“Wait! I’m depressed! Hooray! Now I can write a blues song!”

“Oh wait! Now I’m happy! Crap! I can’t even get depressed right!”

“Oh, now I’m depressed again! Yes!”

At least this guy had some sort of emotional response to things. Recently, I’ve discovered that my general lack of emotion makes me terrible at conversations. Sometimes, people say things to me, and I have no idea what they expect me to say. 

I got my car inspected the other day and the people at Jiffy Lube found some rock chips in my windshield and fixed them. Apparently, there’s a lot of fraud in the windshield repair industry so in order to bill my car insurance, they have to get you on a call with your carrier so you can explain that you’re actually getting your windshield fixed. 

So, I get on the phone with the insurance lady and she says,

“We’re sorry to hear about your glass damage. “

Pause…

I realize….she’s waiting for a response from me.

What am I supposed to say? “Yeah I’m pretty torn up about it.”

Maybe if a family member had died I might be able to provide you with a more emotional response.  Like if a some debris went through the windshield and impaled my dad I could maybe say something back. But if that were the case, I’d probably be a little upset you said, “I’m really sorry to hear about your windshield damage.” Rather than something… you know… about my dad.

Anyway, I didn’t know what to say, so I just filled the pause by describing the process of how windshields get chips in them.

“Yeah, I was driving on the highway and rocks got in my windshield. And you know how rocks leave chips in your windshield when they hit your windshield? Yeah, that’s what happened to me. But you know how that works right?”

I work as a teller, and this lady comes up to me and says,

 “Hi, my name is Helen”

Pause.

“I’m from Wyoming”

Pause.

“I’m in farming.”

Pause

“I make hay in the summer.  That’s why I’m here”

Pause

“It gets 16 below in the winter”

 It was the most random conversation I’d ever had.  I’m just getting barraged by non sequiturs   to the point that I don’t know how I’m supposed to respond. When I’m just about to make a comment, she changes topics on me!  “I make hay!” “It gets to 16 below!”  

But, once I thought about it, apparently I’m so bad at conversation that she just went on and filled in my part of the conversation for me. This is kind of scary because I don’t know what I’m saying.  But once I thought it through I figured out that she thought that I was a super inquisitive person; almost to the point of being obnoxious.  I was asking all sorts of random questions. My end of the conversation was

“WHO ARE YOU? WHERE DO YOU HAIL FROM! WHAT IS YOUR OCCUPATION!  FARMING? WHAT KIND OF FARMING? WELL WHY ARE YOU HERE DURING THE WINTER? WHAT TEMPRERATURE DOES IT GET TO DURING THE WINTER?” Are these the questions I’m supposed to be asking?

 

“Here come the kids”: A 95% true story

I haven’t written any blog posts since my first one. My last blog post was about agnostics and the existence of God. So every other topic I've thought of writing about since has seemed kind of out of character. So, I’ve decided just to just break character and write about a day at the gym.

Have you ever gone to the gym, not to work out, but for the sole purpose of taking a shower? Let me explain:

My parents got a new dishwasher. I was upstairs while they were trying to install it when I heard a commotion. I went downstairs to see what happened. Apparently, they had forgotten to turn off the water to the dishwasher before taking out the water intake hose. Water was spraying everywhere! We grabbed buckets and we tried to direct the water from the hose into the buckets. I ran and grabbed a wrench to try shut the valve to the water intake. When we tried to turn the valve off with the wrench, the valve broke. So, we came up with the idea to turn the water off to the entire house.  This solved the problem.

So, here I was, covered in dishwasher water, and I had to go to work in an hour. I asked my dad what the chances were that we’d be able to turn the water back on before I went to work. He told me chances weren’t good. This is why I went to the gym just to take a shower.

Now, if you’ve never walked into the gym in workout clothes and walked out of the gym in a dress shirt and tie, it’s an interesting experience. You get some strange looks from the people at the front desk. There’s no real way to cover up the fact that you went to the gym just to shower. I thought about maybe going,

“I came in here, got in shape, found a wife, and found a job! Now I’m done with the gym! I’m successful!”

So, I took a shower, and I was almost done getting dressed when a guy came in from swimming. He proceeded to take off his swimsuit, which wasn’t particularly out of the ordinary. After all, I was in a locker room. What was perplexing was what he said before he took off his swimsuit. He said,

“Here come the kids!”

………

Now, I don’t know why he decided to say this. I have 3 guesses as to what he was trying to say.

1.     He could have meant there were actually kids coming in from the pool. If this were the case, why would he wait until this specific moment to take off his swimsuit? Is he thinking, “The kids are coming, so now is the time to take off my drawers!”  I question your timing sir. I feel like I should have perhaps followed him out of the gym to make sure he didn’t go to any public parks.

2.     My second guess as to what he meant was that perhaps “The Kids” is some kind of stage name he had chosen for his nether regions. To which I would respond, “I don’t really need an introduction. But I appreciate your dedication to stage presence and presentation” Also, I would ask, “If you, in fact, chose this name for your “down theres” why would you choose “The Kids” Why not something a little more manly? Like “Here comes the thunder” perhaps

3.     My third guess of this man’s intentions is that he was, in fact, referring to his privates in a physiologically accurate way. After all, that’s where kids come from. If this were true, I would say to him, “ I don’t really need ‘the talk’. I’ve had it before, but I appreciate your concern for my education.” But I realized that if, in fact, he is giving “the talk” to people, he is doing so by taking off his pants!

After all of these, things went through my head, I realized that this stranger had giving me A TON of material for my next blog post and I wanted to thank him. Now, bear in mind, that I have a tendency to take an awkward situation, and make it more awkward. So, in an attempt to express my gratitude, I tapped him on the shoulder and said,

“Thank you so much for what you did. You have no idea how much you’ve helped me.”

……

I realized what I said after I said it. I also realized that there was no possible way to recover from what I said. So, I just walked away.

I saw the man again at the gym, and it was still awkward. So, in order to break the ice, I misguidedly said the first thing that came to my mind,

“So, how are the kids?”